Sometimes the only hope we are given can?t be found in religion or faith
but in the ten-day forecast. Just as we have to believe that spring will come,
we have to believe that change will happen, and the bad will fade away and eventually
leave room for the change that we deserve.
Whether it be room for love, or forgiveness or a small but needed reminder of the good.
All my life I?ve tried to believe in the future, and put a lot of weight on the fact
that change is inevitable. And that time, the one thing we can?t control,
changes things.
At times I was begging for this change to come, and pleaded for some kind of difference in my life.
Living a life of indifference makes the shortest moments
last a tortuous lifetime. I know. I?ve lived that moment too long.
Other times, when I?ve faced and accepted the best and worst parts of myself,
I?ve begged for those moments to never end. And I?ve wanted to wade in the depth of those thickest moments,
and gotten carried away and lost by their weight and significance.
Love has a lot to do with timing. We all ask: when is it going to be time for me?
Am I ready for love now? We tell ourselves we feel ready. It?s all around us?love.
I?ll look at a stranger passing me, try to stare in his eyes, and want him to be the one.
I?ll want the search to be over, finally. And I?ll stop being so strong and so alone.
So detached and so seemingly replaceable. Love is supposed to be patient but isn?t this a little ridicules?
It looks easier, all around us, the way people just seem to
slide into shared lives together. I turn the bass up louder to drown in all out,
add another shot to my stomach. And cross another day off the calendar.
When will it be okay for me give all of myself to someone. To let him all the way in.
To let him know that he can?t live without me. That I?m worth big sacrifices with little compromises.
When will it be okay to be open and vulnerable and brave and fearless and no so hard, not so closed,
not so distance from the words I say, from the feelings I feel?
When can I show that I?m scared of being alone? That I dream of sharing my bed with someone warm,
who wraps his arms around me so tight, squeezing out any doubt.
I let go of the waiting game, when I feel like I?m losing. And instead I look up the ten-day forecast again.
