Forecast

Sometimes the only hope we are given can't be found in
religion or faith but in the ten-day forecast. Just as
we have to believe that spring will come,we have to
believe that change will happen, and the bad will fade
away and eventually leave room for the change that we
deserve.

Whether it be room for love, or forgiveness or a small
but needed reminder of the good. All my life I've
tried to believe in the future, and put a lot of
weight on the fact that change is inevitable. And that
time, the one thing we can't control,changes things.

At times I was begging for this change to come, and
pleaded for some kind of difference in my life. Living
a life of indifference makes the shortest moments last
a tortuous lifetime. I know. I've lived that moment
too long.

Other times, when I've faced and accepted the best and
worst parts of myself, I've begged for those moments
to never end. And I've wanted to wade in the depth of
those thickest moments, and gotten carried away and
lost by their weight and significance.

Love has a lot to do with timing. We all ask: when is
it going to be time for me? Am I ready for love now?
We tell ourselves we feel ready. It's all around
us--love. I'll look at a stranger passing me, try to
stare in his eyes, and want him to be the one. I'll
want the search to be over, finally. And I'll stop
being so strong and so alone.

So detached and so seemingly replaceable. Love is
supposed to be patient but isn't this a little
ridicules? It looks easier, all around us, the way
people just seem to slide into shared lives together.
I turn the bass up louder to drown it all out, add
another shot to my stomach. And cross another day off
the calendar.

When will it be okay for me give all of myself to
someone. To let him all the way in. To let him know
that he can't live without me. That I'm worth big
sacrifices with little compromises. When will it be
okay to be open and vulnerable and brave and fearless
and no so hard, not so closed, not so distance from
the words I say, from the feelings I feel?

When can I show that I'm scared of being alone? That I
dream of sharing my bed with someone warm, who wraps
his arms around me so tight, squeezing out any doubt.

I let go of the waiting game, when I feel like I'm
losing. And instead I look up the ten-day forecast
again.