Concrete avalanche

Distracted by distractions
It's loud in here, alone.

My thoughts are perceived and
expressed in sporadic shuffle order,
No matter how much power I put into it,

I think like an unreliable machine,
the batteries low, the content too complex.
Shuffle order my life, this day, this minute-how to fill it?

Last hour my life was over and this hour my life began and in
fifteen minutes I will be consumed by a latent,
Unplanned desire. Is it lack of will or lack of heart?

Come find me when you love yourself,
when you see as much love in You as
Love you have to give.

what I Decline to admit emotionally
solidifies and returns when a striking point is
identified. I am given away to the wim of
Pain from unconscious volatility.

Distracted does little
my fragile emotional nescience
physically tortures me without a source.

I was that tough, well, that much
in Fear that my
assumed- to- be- stable-sole-family partner.
Shattered me, hell, maybe focused me finally, illusions
shredded to shame you took the knife that sat between us
and cut and cut and tore and teared upon
the miles and miles of rope bridges I made, over time,
to walk to you, to get to you, to get you.

Bridges of trust were left open to you
My fault because I forgot I was not tough.
I'd been struggling for months to stand up
on my own.
For you, too.
Did you need me to be down to want you?

I was climbing, falling, assembling and maintaining all the time.
No matter what I did your hunger constantly spoke to me.

I wanted to feel safe, figure things out.
You showed no concern for me.
Sorry, I wanted to go on a date with you.
I wanted you to want me to feel secure, feel hopeful.
I pretended you did and often when I glimpsed you
were not going to sweep me off my feet or even consider it.
I cried.

I'm just a girl and I needed someone
that held my hand and took me somewhere.
And whose actions more than words proved to me;
Everything was going to be OK.